How to make 10,000 patents that MegaTech will
The United States has recently decided that I have the right to
patent protection of my intellectual property when that property is
software or the design of software. I believe I could use that right
to produce 10,000 patents that MegaTech would eventually infringe.
My methods are described below, step by step.
Note that these are really bugs in the patent system.
- Do not produce any product. This would be a liability. If
you produce a product, MegaTech can threaten you for infringing their
- Find the repository of all MegaTech bugs. It should list several
hundred thousand by now.
(Although there is no solution for the open bug problem, MegaTech may
be able to solve the closed bug problem by publishing the solution to
every bug it fixes.)
- For each open bug with an obvious fix, patent solving the problem
the bug describes with the obvious fix. This should produce about 50
patents per month. (Ignore hard bugs.)
- For each closed bug with an obvious fix where the fix was not
described in detail, patent solving the problem the bug describes with
the obvious fix. Yes you are allowed to patent features that are
already in MegaTech's products, so long as MegaTech has kept the
implementation of those features a trade secret. This should produce
several thousand patents, possibly passing the 10,000 patent goal
- Get MegaTech's reference manuals and those of its competitors.
(MegaTech may be able to thwart this somewhat by publishing a list of
features it intends to implement, namely every feature that anyone has
ever heard of and then some.)
- For every MegaTech product, for every competitor, make a list of
all the features that only that competitor has. Features are often
very subtle, indicated only by a sentence trying to justify how some
larger feature works. There should be about 100 such features per
product per competitor.
- For every MegaTech product, for every competitor, produce all
pairs of features where one feature comes from MegaTech and the other
comes from a competitor. If the two features are not independent, try
to figure out how an implementation would handle their interaction.
If you have to think longer than ten minutes discard the pair and go
on to the next one. This should yield about 5000 pairs per product
- Make triples of features the same way -- two features from
competitors, one from MegaTech. Only bother with 9 triples per pair
from the last step.
- Write patents. Do 1 independent claim (the pair from step 2) and
9 dependent claims (the 9 triples from step 3) per patent. This
is 5000 patents per product per competitor.
- Wait for MegaTech to implement a feature.
- Get just MegaTech's manuals.
There is no workaround for this short of publishing code.
- Try to imagine a feature for every sentence in the manual.
- Make up an implementation for that feature.
- Search the all prior patents for an implementation of that
feature. Give up if you find one.
- Search MegaTech's publications for an implementation of that
feature. Give up if you find one.
- Patent your implementation of that feature. It will match
MegaTech's implementation about half the time.
- Write a program to implement something involving a recent industry
This is more work than the previous methods, and causes an
infringement less often.
- Patent every data structure, as used for that buzzword ("A
singly linked list, in the context of a PUSH-oriented Java GUI").
- Patent every algorithm (any loop counts as an algorithm, as do
most routines) as used for that buzzword.
- Patent the data flow, the routine heirarchy, the interface as used
for that buzzword.
- Hope that MegaTech implements a product for that buzzword.
- Produce a useful new idea, patent it, and hope that MegaTech
steals it. This method is clearly inferior to all the previous
methods. It requires more work, produces only one patent, and the
patent is of something complicated enough that MegaTech can probably
solve the same problem differently, and avoid infringment.
Pentagons that tile the plane
Hash functions and block ciphers
Computing the HOMFLY polynomial
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