I've heard this many times from many places, but I've never seen it written down. Here it is, written down.
Gather round gentlemen, ladies, and tramps,
Crosseyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants.
Grab a chair and sit on the floor,
I'll tell you a story you never heard before.
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords, and Shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
He came and killed those two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the Blind Man. He saw it too.
This very short sketch uses a comb as a mustache, a hair bow, and a tie. There's only one person, and he's only got one comb. You do the whole skit as fast as you can. (Actually it works better with a hankerchief instead of a comb.)
| I CAN'T pay the rent! |
| You MUST pay the rent! |
|
| But I CAN'T pay the rent! |
| But you MUST pay the rent! |
|
| But I CAN'T pay the rent! |
| But you MUST pay the rent! |
|
| I'll pay the rent! |
| ||
| My hero! |
| ||
| Curses! Foiled again! |
|
This is a poem by Lewis Carroll, it's in lots of his books. I've written it here from memory so it may contain a few mistakes.
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimbel in the wabe
All mimsey were the borogoves,
and the Moam Raths outgrabe.
Beware the Jabberwock, my son,
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jub-jub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch.
The son took vorpal blade in hand
Long time his manxome foe he sought
Then rested he by the Tum tum tree
And stood awhile in thought.
And whilst, in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock with eyes of flame
Flew wiffling through the tulgey wood
And burbled as it came.
One two, one two and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
and left it dead. And with its head
He went galumphing back.
And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
Oh frabjous day, calloo, callay!
He chortled in his joy.
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimbel in the wabe
All mimsey were the borogoves,
and the Moam Raths outgrabe.
I heard this at Camp Winnebago.
The long and boring song
It goes on ... on and on
It doesn't ever seem to end
I've heard this song before.
It seems its almost over when
The singer sings some more.
The trite and tacky verse
It gets worse, worse and worse.
It leaves me in a pool of pain
Crying for the day
This sappy sentimental strain
Will finally go away.
Father driving car with his family through the mountains of Pennsylvania, bouncing around and leaning into curves.
Son: "Dad, what is that sign for, 'Beware of Falling Rocks'?"
Dad: "Oh. That's a long story. You see, once there was a big Indian chief with three sons: Sparrow Hawk, Tomahawk, and Falling Rock. He gave them a trial they had to complete to show their manhood: they had to collect the scalp of a settler.
"Sparrow Hawk went to the plains. He returned three days later with a scalp.
"Tomahawk went to the forests. Two weeks later, he returned with a scalp.
"Falling rock went to the mountains. But Falling Rock did not come back. The big chief waited a month, a year, many years, but Falling Rock did not return.
"But they never found him. They say ... he's ... still ... OUT there ... looking for someone to scalp. And that is why, to this day, when you drive through mountain passes, you still see signs warning about him: 'Beware of Falling Rock!'"
Son: "I see. I see. But Dad, it doesn't say 'Beware of Falling Rock'. It says 'Beware of Falling Rocks'. Plural."
Dad: "Oh." Dad thinks a bit. "Well, when Falling Rock got older, he had a son. Falling Rock Junior. They're both out hunting for scalps."
Son: "I seeeee. Are you sure it isn't about risk of avalanche from loose rocks falling on the road?"
Dad: "No no it's the Falling Rocks looking for scalps. Trust me. You'll know these things too, when you get to be older and wiser, like me."
I heard this from my dad in the mid 1970s. It has a song and hand motions. YouTube
Little rabbit Foo Foo
hopping through the forest,
scooping up the field mice
and bash them on the head.
Along comes the Good Fairy, and SHE says,
"Little rabbit Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
scooping up the field mice
and bash them on the head.
I'll give you THREE CHANCES, and then I'm going to turn YOU into a GOON!"
Well, the very next day,
Little rabbit Foo Foo
hopping through the forest,
scooping up the field mice
and bash them on the head.
Along comes the Good Fairy, and SHE says,
"Little rabbit Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
scooping up the field mice
and bash them on the head.
I'll give you TWO MORE CHANCES, and then I'm going to turn YOU into a GOON!"
Well, the very next day,
Little rabbit Foo Foo
hopping through the forest,
scooping up the field mice
and bash them on the head.
Along comes the Good Fairy, and SHE says,
"Little rabbit Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
scooping up the field mice
and bash them on the head.
I'll give you ONE MORE CHANCE, and then I'm going to turn YOU into a GOON!"
Well, the very next day,
Little rabbit Foo Foo
hopping through the forest,
scooping up the field mice
and bash them on the head.
Along comes the Good Fairy, and SHE says,
"I gave you THREE CHANCES, and now I'm going to turn YOU into a GOON!"
Then little rabbit Foo Foo shrugged, and said, "Hare today, Goon tomorrow!"
This was the only ghost story anyone knew in my grade school in Ohio. I've been told it is well known in Kentucky too. My wife, who grew up in California, had never heard it before. Searching the web, I also found a more recent version of it.
A secretary walked into a hotel and asked for a room.
"Sorry," said the hotel manager, "there's only one room left
... but that's HAUNTED."
"I'm a schoolteacher. I don't believe in ghosts. I'll take it."
So she went to the room and was getting ready for bed when she
heard ...
"... i'm the ghost with the one black eye ... I'M THE GHOST WITH
THE ONE BLACK EYE ..."
Scared, she ran out of the hotel in her nightgown and was never
seen again.
Next a big tough man walked into the hotel. He asked for a room.
"Sorry," said the hotel manager, "there's only one room left
... but that's HAUNTED."
"I'm a big tough guy. I'm not afraid of ghosts! I'll take it."
So he went to the room and was taking a shower when he heard ...
"... i'm the ghost with the one black eye ... I'M THE GHOST WITH THE
ONE BLACK EYE ..."
Scared, he ran out of the hotel and was never seen again.
Then this little kid came in and asked for a room.
"Sorry, kid, there's only one room left ... and that's HAUNTED."
"That's OK, I'll take it."
The kid was getting ready for bed, when he heard ...
"... i'm the ghost with the one black eye ... I'M THE GHOST WITH
THE ONE BLACK EYE ..."
"If you don't shut up you're gonna be the ghost with two black eyes!"
This is a song. The words are pretty complicated, and the ones I remember don't seem to be the ones anyone else uses, so I'll write down the ones I remember. The original, I'm not sure who wrote it, but google says it was sung by Homer & Jethro for RCA in 1956. YouTube
Chorus:
I'm my own grampaw (EFEDC),
I'm my own grampaw (FGFED),
It sounds funny I know (EFGEFG),
But it really is so (FGAFGA), oh (AGF)
I'm my own grampaw (EFEDC).
Verse 1
Many many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I met with a widder who was pretty as can be,
The widder had a daughter who had flowing hair of red,
My father met the widder's daughter, soon they too were wed,
oh ...
Verse 2
The problems that I'm speaking of had only just begun.
My father soon became the father of a tiny son.
To make the situation worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy, oh ...
Verse 3
My father's now my son-in-law, although he's still my father.
This is the truth, you see, because he's married to my daughter.
And my poor daughter's more than just an aunt to her own brother
My father's now my son in law, so she's my own step mother, oh
...
Verse 4
I like to tell my father, although it makes him mad,
That he's his mother's brother's cousin's uncle's own grandad,
And here's a bit that I have always thought was rather wild,
Since I'm my daughter's son-in-law I am my own grandchild, oh ...
Verse 5
My wife is mother to my father, and it makes me blue,
Although she is my wife she is my ... grandmother too,
This brings me to the strangest thing my family ever saw,
Since I'm my father's father-in-law, I am my own grampaw, oh ...
I remember this from second grade (1974). The girls sang it constantly, accompanied by a complicated pattycake thing with the hands that I can't reproduce easily on a web page. (Thanks go to Holly who reminded me how the 3rd verse went, and sings "Ms. Suzi" instead of "Ms Lucy".) (More thanks to Night Fey, who knew of the "I know I know my paw" verse. I had always heard it end "and that is all I know, know; know know!") (Thanks to AACS, which has a huge collection of this and similar songs, which reminded me about the lady with the alligator purse.)
Mizz Lucy had a baby, (C F C D C A C)
She named it Tiny Tim, (C F C D Eflat E)
She put him in the bathtub, (C E C D C A C)
To see if he could swim. (C D C D E F)
He drank up all the water,
He ate up all the soap,
He tried to eat the bathtub
But it wouldn't go down his throat.
Ms Lucy called the doctor,
Ms Lucy called the nurse,
Ms Lucy called the lady
with the alligator purse.
"Measles" said the doctor,
"Tonsils" said the nurse,
"Hungry" said the lady
with the alligator purse.
Ms Lucy had a steamboat,
The steamboat had a bell,
The steamboat went to heaven,
Ms Lucy went to
Hello operator,
Please give me Number 9,
And if you disconnect me,
I'll kick your fat
Behind the 'fridgerator,
There was a piece of glass,
Ms Lucy fell upon it,
And broke her little
Ask me no more questions,
I'll tell you no more lies,
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their
Flies are in the city,
A city's like a park,
Ms Lucy and her boyfriend,
Are kissing in the
Dark is like a movie,
A movie's like a show,
A show is like a TV,
And that is all
I know I know my maw
I know I know my paw
I know I know my sister
when she does the cha-cha-cha! (wiggle hips accordingly).
My father remembers this from when he was in grade school:
Helen had a steamboat (E E D D C C)
Steamboat had a bell (C C D E-flat E)
Steamboat went to heaven (E E D D C C)
Helen went to (C C D E-flat)
Helen had a steamboat ... (E E D D C C ...)
It's a Hey Bonny Shore (C C G F# E D)
And a Watchee Tatchee Tatch, (E D B B B B B)
a Hey Bonny Shore (C G F# E D)
And a Watchee Tatchee Tatch. (E D B B B B B)
Shinka Hoya (F C F C)
Ziggedy Es geRoo! (F)
keZah! keZah! (C F C F)
ke Shuynkahaygen Shuynkahaygen (C F F D D F F D D)
Ziggedy Ziggedy Zah! (F F F F F)
ke Shuynkahaygen Shuynkahaygen (C F F D D F F D D)
Ziggedy Ziggedy Zah! (F F F F F)
This is from college. It's more said than sung. It was called
"cups". Everyone had two cups, turned upside down, and to the beat
they clap them down but one to the right (so they lose one cup and
gain one cup). Except, for the "Ziggedy Ziggedy Zah" you keep hold of
your cups on the "Ziggedy Ziggedy". The second time through you just
hum it. The third time through is silent. You have to remember to do
the right thing on the Ziggedy Ziggedies. There was some penalty for
messing up. The game was repeated several times.
There was this truckdriver, OK? He was behind schedule. He had a load to deliver on the rocky coast of northern Maine. It was night and it was pouring down rain. He drove down schoolhouse road, windshield wipers going wheepwhoop, wheepwhoop, y'know, he could hardly see.
Then he passed this gradeschool girl walking beside the road, no coat, soaking wet. "I'm late", he thought. Nooo, shook his head, not that late. He stopped the truck and asked her if she needed a lift.
"Hi! Could you, please? I'm Mary. I'm just a little ways." She got in the truck and they started driving again. "My house is just about two miles down this road. I walk along here every day, my school's back about a mile, did you see it? But I should be getting home now. Slow down here, there's a sharp turn. Sure is wet tonight, don't you think? The frogs don't mind, bideep, bideep, bideep, if you listen you can hear them even in the rain. Hear them? I almost caught one. My house is just up at the top of this hill. See, there's my house, up ahead."
The lights were out in the house, but she said she could get in. He watched her walk up the drive, go to the door. He checked the time, looked back, she wasn't there. She must have gone inside. Still no lights. Hm.
He went on and delivered his load, late, then stopped in a diner on the way back. "Say," he asked the guy behind the counter, "do you know who lives in that big house on schoolhouse road at the top of the hill?"
The diner suddenly got real quiet. Every one looked at him. "Let me guess," said the guy behind the counter, slowly. "You picked up a girl walking along the road and dropped her off at her house?"
"Yeah! Little girl, black wavy hair, totally soaked. Quite a chatterbox. She went in the house but its lights were off. I don't know what she was doing out this late, and on a night like this!"
"... and she was wearing a light blue dress, and told you to slow down at that sharp turn in the road?"
"... um ... yeah?"
"My Lord, you wouldn't believe how many times I've heard that." He paused, chewing on his lip. "She saved your life, you know. You were going too fast and you would have gone over the cliff. That's always who sees her." He wiped the counter some. "Nobody lives in that house. That's the O'Niel house. The O'Niels all died forty years ago, going too fast. They went over the cliff just there at the sharp turn. The house has been abandoned ever since."
"They had a little daughter who died with them that night. That girl you took home was the ghost of Mary O'Niel."
I only heard this one once, forty years ago, in third grade, from a girl in my class. I think it was Alice. I don't think the girl was Mary O'Niel. Mary wasn't there after third grade. I don't know what became of her. Afterward, I always thought her old house looked intimidating. Eventually the trees grew up so you couldn't see it from the road from any angle anymore. Google maps tells me I'm mistaken, there was never any house there.
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