The King's Raisins

"I am the King. Bring me my raisins!"

First squire "Here are raisins, sire, from the hills of California!"

"Those raisins are not fit for peasants! Bring me my raisins!"

Second squire "Here are raisins, sire, from the vinyards of France!"

"They are hardly worth sneezing at. Bring me my raisins!"

Third squire "These raisins, sire, were handpicked with tweezers by Benedictine Monks in Germany! Bring me my royal raisin supplier!"

Two guys drag in the royal raisin supplier

"Why have you not brought me my raisins?"

Royal raisin supplier "My rabbit died!"


The Samurai Watermelon Cutter

You need three people, a bandana, a watermelon, a machete, and lots of room.

One person has the bandana around their forehead like a samurai. He closes his eyes and meditates like a samurai, slowly raising his machete.

The two people toss the watermelon in the air in front of him, then stand back.

"Hai!" The guy cuts the watermelon in half in midair with the machete. (I believe this comes from a Saturday Night Live sketch about a samurai chef who cut all manner of things (tomatoes, etc) this way.)

Repeat until the watermelon chunks are too hard to hit, then carve them up the normal way and everyone can eat.


The Special Papers

"I am King, squire, and I need you to bring me my special papers."

Bringing in some diplomatic looking things "Here are your papers, sire."

"Fool! These are not my special papers. Off with his head! Squire two, bring me my special papers! Do not fail!"

Bringing in a Wall Street Journal "Here are your special papers, sire"

"Fool! These are not my special papers. To the dungeons with him! Squire three, bring me my special papers!"

Bringing him a roll of toilet paper "Here are the special papers, sire"

"And just in time!" The king grabs the toilet paper and runs offstage.


The Toothpaste Sketch

This skit involved one real toothbrush, one real tube of toothpaste, one real cup of water, and seven people who wake up and really brush their teeth with them. The last one really drank the water.

It makes me feel ill just remembering it. This is a good skit not to do.


The Failed Reporter

"I'm a reporter. I have been for 12 years. And in all that time, I've never had a real scoop. Never. I'm a failure. I've done this long enough, so now I'm going to jump off this bridge and kill myself. One, two, ..."

"Wait! Wait! Why are you jumping?"

"I'm a failed reporter. I've never had a real scoop."

"Oh. You think you have it bad, I'm a truck driver, and I've got hemmorroids. I think I'll join you."

"One, two, ..."

"Wait! What are you all doing?" "We're committing suicide." "Oh, I'm a grade school teacher. I just realized that I can't stand whiney little kids. I think I'll join you."

"One, two, ..."

"Wait! What are you doing?" "We're committing suicide." "Well I'm a florist, and I've got hayfever." sneeze! "I think I'll join you."

"One, two, ..."

"Wait! What are you doing?" "We're committing suicide." "I'm a dentist, hic and I've had the hiccups for the last hic five years. Would you like a tooth removed hic?" He holds one of those pointy dentist things, and each time he hics his hands jerk around "No!" "Then I think I'll hic join you."

"One! Two! Three!!!" They all jump, except for the reporter.

"Four people jump to their grisly deaths! What a scoop!" He runs offstage, scribbling furiously on his notepad.


Gallagher

This is another skit well worth avoiding.

The basic idea is to get a wooden stump, a bunch of fruits and vegetables, and a very large mallet. You place each of the vegetables on the stump and hit them with the mallet, spraying bits of vegetables all over yourself and the audience. Tomatoes, watermelons, and squashes work fairly well. So does half-pint milk cartons. You want fairly explosive foods that don't stain clothes.

Botch didn't quite get thrown off camp staff for doing this.


Back to ye olde catalogue of boy scout skits