The Vending Machine

"I'm dying of thirst! Water! Water! What's this? A vending machine?"

"DEPOSIT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS PLEASE" It's a guy holding a pitcher of water and a cup.

"Twenty five cents? Oh. Hm." He takes a quarter out and puts it in the guy's shirt-pocket.

The machine holds out the glass, holds out the pitcher, and mechanically pours the water into the space right next to the glass, missing the glass and pouring on the ground. The thirsty man desparately tries to grab the water being poured on the ground.

"Water! Water!"

"DEPOSIT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS PLEASE"

The thirsty man digs in his pockets, finds another quarter. He puts it in the machine's shirt pocket. The machine holds out the glass, holds out the pitcher, and mechanically pours the water into glass. "Water!" The thirsty man starts to take it, but before he does the machine turns the glass upside down, dumping the water on the ground. The thirsty man scrambles for the water on the ground, but doesn't get any.

"Water! How do I get water out of this stupid machine?"

"DEPOSIT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS PLEASE"

The thirsty man digs in his pockets, finds another quarter. He puts it in the machine's shirt pocket. The machine holds out the glass, holds out the pitcher, and mechanically pours the water into glass. Then the machine drinks it itself.

After digging in both pockets "I've only got one quarter left. I better get some water this time!"

The thirsty man places his last quarter in the machine's pocket, and the machine spits water in his face (the machine stored it in its cheeks when it drank the previous glass).


Tag, You're It

Two counselors everyone recognizes, Chuck and Ray.

Chuck with a club is chasing Ray, who is running. Run through the audience, hide behind the master of ceremonies, whatever. No holds barred, Ray must run and Chuck must grab him. But they both run out of the ring without one catching the other.

Next interlude, Ray comes into the ring panting. Has anyone seen Chuck? Ray is trying to hide, but Chuck seems to find him wherever he goes. Don't tell him where I am! Then you hear Chuck yelling from outside the ring, and Ray runs off. Chuck chases after him, intent on blood it seems.

Next interlude, Chuck comes into the ring panting carrying his club. Has anyone seen that no-good Ray? Chuck is going to get him, and when he catches him he's going to give it to Ray good. Ray is actually hiding in the audience, wearing a poncho and groucho-marx glasses. Chuck spots him, Ray jumps up and runs off.

Next interlude, they come crashing in again, but Ray trips. Chuck towers over him, raises his club, then taps him with his other hand. "You're it!" He drops the club and runs. Ray picks up the club and chases him.


Pickin' Cotton

A guy is standing in the middle of the ring. Someone wanders in, stage left, carrying a boombox.

"Hey, nice radio! Where'd you get it?"

"Pickin' Cotton" and he continues wandering off stage right.

Another guy wanders in wearing a fancy shirt, stage left.

"Wow, cool shirt! Where'd you get it?"

"Pickin' Cotton" and he wanders off stage right.

Another guy wanders in wearing bright pants and fancy shoes, stage left.

"Awesome shoes, man. Where'd you get them?"

"Pickin' Cotton" and he wanders off stage right.

A guy limps in, stage left, beat up and wearing nothing except a towel wrapped around him.

"Who are you??"

"I'm Cotton!" and he limps off stage right.


The Blanket Tossing Team

This takes about six guys, who form a circle around an invisible blanket, with a small invisible guy (Bruce) who sits in the middle of the invisible blanket and gets tossed.

"We're an Olympic blanket tossing team, and Bruce in the middle here is our star blanket bouncer. We'll toss Bruce a bit just to warm up. One, two, three! One, two, three! One, two, three!"

On three each time, the team lets the pretend blanket go slack, then pull it taught. They watch the invisible Bruce go up in the air, then come down, and the gently catch him again in the blanket. Each time they toss him higher. The team has to be in sync, and they have to watch about the same spot -- the easiest way to do this is to have everyone just imitate the leader, who is the speaker.

"OK, we're all limbered up now?" The team murmers in agreement. "Then let's toss Bruce a bit higher. One, two, three!"

Bruce comes up, and the team adjusts their position a bit to catch him as he comes down.

"One, two, three!" This wait about ten seconds, and move quite a bit to get under him. Move this way and that before finally catching him.

"One, two, three!" twenty seconds this time, almost lose track of him, adjust the position here, there, and here again.

"What? What's that you say, Bruce?" pause "Audience, you are in luck! Bruce wants to go for the world record blanket toss! Ready team? One! Two! Thu-reee!!!" A mighty toss! The team shifts positions, like trying to catch a high fly ball. "There he goes! He's past the trees! He's really up there!" pause, looking hard into the sky "Do you see him? I've lost him. Where'd he go?" another pause "Oh well." The team leaves the stage, and the program continues.

After another skit and song, and preferably in the middle of awards or announcements of some sort, "Bruce! Quick team!" The blanket tossing team runs back on stage, positions themselves this way and that, and catches Bruce. "Let's have a big hand for Bruce! Yeay!!!"


The Old Gum

This skit is entirely silent.

The first person comes in, chewing gum. He blows a big bubble, it pops, he scrapes it off his face. He wads up his gum, throws it over his shoulder, and walks offstage.

Second person walks in. Halfway across stage, they stop. They've stepped in gum, it's all over their shoe. They make a face, pick the gum off their shoe, wad it up, and throw it over their shoulder.

Third person is a jogger. The gum lands in their hair. They pull the gooey gum out of their hair, it's really stuck in there, eventually they pull most of it out, wad it up, and throw it over their shoulder.

Fourth guy is walking his dog and stretching. The gum lands in his armpit. He pulls the gooey gum out from his armpit, wads it up, throws it on the ground. His dog pees on it.

The first guy comes back in. He bends over, picks up the gum, sniffs it, tosses it back in his mouth and starts chewing. He walks offstage.


The Cancer Sketch

Three scouts surround a scout on a table.

"Oh, Doctor, do you think you can save him?"

"I don't know. The patient has a bad case of cancer. This will be tough. Knife."

The nurse hands him a knife. "Knife, sir"

"Fork"

The nurse hands him a fork. "Fork, sir"

"Salt and Pepper"

The nurse hands him salt and pepper. "Salt and pepper, sir"

"We have found the liver"

"Here are the bowels, sir" Bowels smell bad. "Eewwww!"

"Monkey wrench. I have found the cancer." Nurse hands him a monkey wrench.

"Tweezers. There, that should do it."

"You have removed the can, sir!" The nurse holds up an old tin can.


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