A man, crawling across the stage: "Water, water!!" Someone walks by, and the crawling man tugs on his pantleg. "Water, Water!"
Man walking by: "Sorry." He continues walking.
Another man walks by, the crawling man tugs on his pantleg: "Water, Water!"
Man walking by: "All I've got is this beef jerky, sorry." He keeps walking.
Another man walks by, the crawling man tugs on his pantleg: "Water, Water!"
Man walking by: "No, I don't have any." He keeps walking.
The crawling man sees a cup of water at the other end of the stage. "Water!!" He painfully crawls over there. "Water! Water!"
When he reaches the water, he quickly stands up, dunks his comb in it, and uses it to comb his hair.
Father Indian lines up his three sons. "One of you pushed outhouse over cliff, two nights ago. Which of you did it?" "Not me" "not me!" "Not me!!!"
"Come on, I promise not to punish you. Who did it?"
"Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!"
"Let me tell you story of great American hero, George Washington. When he was a boy, he chopped down a cherry tree. His father came to him and asked, 'George, did you chop down that cherry tree?' 'I cannot tell a lie, father, I chopped down the cherry tree,' said little George. 'You should not have done that, but since you told the truth, I will not punish you.' And George Washington grew up to be President of the United States!"
"Now I ask you. Who pushed outhouse over the cliff?"
"Not me!" "Not me!" "I cannot tell a lie, father, I pushed the outhouse over the cliff."
"!@#$%!!!" (The father beats up the son who pushed the outhouse over the cliff.)
"Why did you beat me up? When George Washington told the truth, his father did not punish him!"
"George Washington's father wasn't IN the tree when George Washington chopped it down!"
First of two guys:"This is the lighthouse sketch. We need a volunteer from the audience to be the lighthouse. Any volunteers?" (Pick a girl, but don't say you need a girl.) "OK, you are going to be the lighthouse. I need you to stand up straight right here, and don't move. Oh, you're moving! Stand straight and still."
First guy:"Now we need to row out and light the lighthouse." The two guys sit on the floor, pretending to be in a rowboat. "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!" They scoot along backwards to the lighthouse, like they are rowing a rowboat.
First guy: "Now it's time to light the lighthouse. Matches! Matches?"
Second guy, hitting his forhead: "We forgot the matches!"
Pretend to row back to shore and get the matches, then row back
First guy: "Matches? Good. Wick?"
Second guy: "We forgot the wick!"
Pretend to row back to shore and get the matches, then row back
First guy: "We've got the wick now? Good. Matches?
Second guy: "Um, ..."
First guy> "You forgot the matches again."
Second guy nods. Pretend to row back to shore and get the matches, then row back.
First guy: "Matches."
Second guy: "Matches."
First guy: "Wick."
Second guy: "Wick."
First guy: "Finally! Now it's time to light the lighthouse!"
Both guys kiss the girl on the cheeks, then run offstage as fast as they can. Hopefully the girl will blush, lighting the lighthouse.
(A guy hunched over, with a squinched eye) Oh. Hello there. I'm Quazimoto, the hunchback of Notre Dame. I ring the bells. (He demonstrates pulling the ropes which swings the bells, up, down, up, down, and the big bells ring, bong, bong, bong, bong.) It's hard ringing these bells. (Contemplate that.) So I put an ad in the paper for an assistant. (knock knock knock) Oh. That must be him now. (Go down the long winding spiral staircase, still hunched over.) I have a long winding staircase, you know. (Continue going down.) (Open the big heavy door.) Hello?
Hi! I read your ad in the paper, and I want to be your assistant!!! (Guy with no arms, or arms behind his back.)
(Contemplate) But you don't have any arms.
I really really really want to ring bells! Please please please, give me a chance!
(Contemplate) Well. OK. Walk this way. (Go up the staircase, hunched and arms dragging)
I can't, I don't have any arms! (going up perfectly straight with arms behind them)
OK. Here are the bells. Here is how I ring them (up, down, up, down, bong, bong, bong, bong). I don't know what you're going to do. You don't have any arms.
I can do it! Just watch! (He gets a running start, then whacks the bell with his face.) Booooong!!!
(Quazimoto, who has an amazed look cross his face) Wow...that was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard! Please, Please do it again!
(The assistant gets a running start, misses the bell and falls to his death.)
Ew. Squished bellringer.
(Knock knock knock) (Quazimoto descends the staircase)
(Police come in) Quazimoto, do you know this man??
(Quazimoto turns the guy over, looks at the face, puts him down again.) No. But his face rings a bell.
(A guy hunched over, with a squinched eye) Oh. Hello there. I'm Quazimoto, the hunchback of Notre Dame. I ring the bells. (He demonstrates pulling the ropes which swings the bells, and the big bells ring.) I still need an assistant, so I put another ad in the paper. (knock knock knock) Oh. That must be him now. (Go down the long winding spiral staircase, still hunched over.) I have a long winding staircase, you know. (Continue going down.) (Open the big heavy door.) Hello?
Hi! I read your ad in the paper, and I want to be your assistant!!! (Guy with no arms, or arms behind his back.)
(Contemplate) I thought you were dead.
That was my brother! He so wanted to be a bellringer, that was his life's ambition! His greatest dream! With him dead, I felt that I just had to come and take his place!!
(Contemplate) But you don't have any arms.
I really really really want to ring bells! Please please please, give me a chance!
(Contemplate) Well. OK. Walk this way. (Go up the staircase, hunched and arms dragging)
I can't, I don't have any arms! (going up perfectly straight with arms behind them)
OK. Here are the bells. Here is how I ring them (up, down, up, down, bong, bong, bong, bong). I don't know what you're going to do. You don't have any arms.
I can do it! Just watch! (He gets a running start, then whacks the bell with his face.) Booooong!!!
(Quazimoto, who has an amazed look cross his face) Wow...that was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard! Please, Please do it again!
(The assistant gets a running start, misses the bell and falls to his death.) AAAAH! (splat)
Ew. Squished bellringer.
(Knock knock knock) (Quazimoto descends the staircase)
(Police come in) Quazimoto, do you know this man??
(Quazimoto turns the guy over, looks at the face, puts him down again.) No. But he's a dead ringer for his brother.
(Clyde is a blithering idiot, in a Nazi U-boat. There is the captain at the periscope, three people with their hands on the shoulders of the person in front of them, and Clyde at the back. The captain waves back and forth a bit and the people behind do whatever the captain does, imitating waves. Whatever the captain commands is echoed as quickly as possible through the chain of command. That's about 2 seconds per person, otherwise it gets real boring.
"Here vee are in our Nazi U-Boot. Ahead vee have an enemy fessel. Prepare dee torpedos!"
(Prepare dee torpedoes, prepare dee torpedoes, prepare dee torpedoes.)
After staring at the many buttons with a stupified expression, Clyde says "I don't know how!"
(He don't know how, he don't know how, he don't know how, back to the captain in front.)
Mein Gott, vat stupidity! Press dee Green button!
(press dee green button, ...)
Clyde hunts a bit, brightens up, and presses the green button.
"I haff him! Fire dee torpedoes!" (Fire ...)
"I don't know how..." (He don't ...)
"By dee Fuerher's mustache ... press dee Blue button!" (Press ...)
Clyde presses the blue button with a flourish, then the chain of command from clyde back to the captain says Shhhh! Shhhh! Shhhh! to imitate the torpedo being fired and rushing ahead.
"Damm! Vee missed! Read torpedo Two!" (Ready ...)
I don't know how... (he don't ...)
"Wass fuer ein Dummkopf ... press dee Yellow Button!" (Press ...)
Shhhh! Shhh! Shhhhh! (the torpedo is fired)
"Vee haff missed again! Iff vee miss a third time, I shall kill myself! Ready torpedo Three! " (Ready ...)
"I don't know how..." (he don't ...)
"Dee Orange button!" (Press...)
Shhhh! Shhhh! Shhhhhhh!
"Vee haff missed a third time. I am not vurthee to serff mein Fuerher. Aufviedersehen." And he shoots himself.
The second guy picks up the gun, and shoots himself. And the third. And the fourth.
Clyde Klutzo picks up the gun, looks at it this way and that, then says, "I don't know how..."
If the audience already knows this skit, an alternative ending has them hit the fessel. They join arms in a circle and dance around singing "We sunk a rowboat! We sunk a rowboat!" to the tune of "Nyah, nyah, nyeh nyah nyah")