The Great Aug

Important Guy: "OK, Aug, I want you to sell these pencils."

Aug: "Pen-solls"

Important Guy: "That's right, Aug. Now, when you see someone coming down the street, I want you to tell them what you're selling."

Aug: "Pen-solls"

Important Guy: "Yes, Aug. Be more enthusiastic about it!"

Aug, waving his hands in the air: "Pen-Solls!!!"

Important Guy: "Very good, Aug. Now, people will want to buy your pencils, and they'll ask how much they are. They come in $2, $5, and $10 packs. Got that?"

Aug: "Pen-solls?"

Important Guy: "No: Two, Five, Ten."

Aug: "Two .. Five ... Ten!!!"

Important Guy: "I think you've got that. Now Aug, one more thing. Someone might ask why they should buy your pencils. If they ask that, Aug, I want you to tell them this. 'If you don't, somebody else will'".

Aug: "If you dont ... somebody else will!"

Important Guy: "Very good. Now, get out there and sell pencils!"

The important guy wanders offstage, and Aug wanders to the other side of the stage. A man on the street approaches Aug. Aug runs to him waving his hands.

Aug, in his face: "Pen-Solls!!!"

Man on street: "Hey, you're a real jerk! How many people have you done this to?"

Aug "Two, Five, Ten!"

Man on steed: "You're really asking for a punch in the mouth, buddy."

Aug "If you don't .. somebody else will!"

Man on street punches Aug, who falls flat, that's the end of the skit.

Did You See That?

Stanley, in a strong European accent "Hello there, I am Arthur Stanley Livingstone, the world famous ornithoptitologist! (That means I watch birds, you know.) And this is my nephew and assistant, Todd. Say hello Todd."

Todd, not really paying attention "H'lo"

Stanley "We are here today on location in the midst of the African rain forest, and we should see some very rare birds indeed! I can hardly contain myself. Right Todd?

Todd "Oh. Uh, yeah."

Stanley slowly, carefully stalks along, looking around, listening for the slightest peep. Todd shuffles after him.

Stanley, turning around, staring with wide open eyes for a second, then jumping up and down "Did you see that!! Did you see that!!"

Todd "Er, what"

Stanley "You mean you missed it?"

Todd, pauses a second, then admits it "uh, yeah"

Stanley "Well! My word. Todd, that was a very rare bird, the Oohweeoo-plit-plit-plit-awaah. And you missed it. It's named after it's call, you know."

Todd "Mmm, what's it sound like?"

Stanley, after a suspensful pause "peep!"

Stanley continues his slow stalking and looking around, Todd follows after him.

Stanley, stopping and looking up wide-eyed. Todd actually walks into him. "Did you see that!! Did you see that!!!"

Todd "Er, um, well"

Stanley, somewhat cross "Well?"

Todd "No."

Stanley, after a long sigh "Now that, my dear boy, was an Ooh-aah bird. Have you heard of the ooh-aah bird?"

Todd "No"

Stanley"The Ooh-ahh bird, Todd, is a three-pound bird that lays a four-pound egg." Pantomiming the egg-laying process "Oooooooooooh .. ahhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Stanley and Todd continue their pacing about the stage

Stanley, turning around and yelling at Todd "Did you see that!! Did you see that!!!"

Todd, deciding to be clever "Er, um, ah, yes! Yes, I did see that!"

Stanley "Then why in the blazes did you step in it?"

The Lawnmower Sketch

Two guys in the skit, one imitating a lawnmower one trying to start it. The lawnmower goes Rummm! Putt putt putt cough. Rumm cough. He just can't get it started. Call a volunteer from the audience, who will pull the cord and start it first try. Rumm! rum rum rum rum rum rum. "There. You see, all we needed was a real good jerk."

The Banana-Bandana Sketch

Magician: "Hello, hello, what a wonderful crowd we have today! My first trick will be the Disappearing Bandana Trick. For this trick I'll need a volunteer from the audience."

A (fake) volunteer comes up from the audience.

M "Now don't watch me." The magician and volunteer face in opposite directions. The magician takes out a bandana (or hankerchief). "First, of course, you need a bandana. Do you have a bandana?"

The volunteer, holding up a banana: "Yep."

Magician, opening his bandana and waving it a bit "First, open up the bandana."

The volunteer obediently peels the banana.

Magician, carefully folding the bandana"Now fold it."

Volunteer "Um, fold it, you say?"

Magician, slightly irritated "Yes, fold it."

Volunteer, folding the banana "Well, OK"

Magician, folding the bandana smaller "And fold it again, and again."

Volunteer fold the banana several times, making mush, and making facial expressions like he's not sure the magician is in possession of his senses.

Magician, holding his fist out behind him: "OK? Now, stuff the bandana into my fist."

Volunteer, stuffing the mushed banana into the magician's fist as the magician turns around and stares in disgust "Fine, have the banana. I'm through with this stupid skit!" and the volunteer storms off stage

The Fly

Guy is sleeping, fly buzzes, he tries to shoo it away, doesn't work, buzz buzz, he gets up and tries to swat it with a mime flyswatter. Misses, misses, can't find the fly, back to sleep.

Fly comes back, swat swat swat, jerk head about tracking the fly, swat swat, lose track of it, where is it? back to sleep.

Fly comes back, angry now, swat swat swat swat swat ... you got it! Pick it up by the wing, look at it real close, try to make it fly again, no it's just dead. Eat it, go back to sleep.

The British Are Coming!

I don't remember this one. I think three scared people came running in, out of breath, announcing "the british are coming!!!", then they continue running away. Someone stays on stage all along to observe. I don't remember the ending. Perhaps an old Brit wobbles in and offers tea. Perhaps someone brings in a pair of pants, and it was an extremely bad pun because "britches" sounds sort of like "British". I simply don't recall.

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